Recently, so many things happen to me.
Berkeley is so stressful. My personal relationship did not go well; it does not help to blame one or the other. I got into some conflict with someone I know in a study group; it was so unexpected. Those drained a lot of my energy. I find myself lose a lot of focus and start to space out.
I talked to Eric, the only person that I can feel there are a lot of mutual understandings. Our conversations usually go pretty well. I got a lot of insights from him. Talking to him helped me lift off the weight on my shoulder.
But, maybe I did something wrong to people. Therefore instant karma happens to me. I have lost my phone. It fell out of my hoody pocket I think. Some personal health news bothers me; the news makes me feel anxious.
After a series of things happen, I want to improve myself and my life, to live a life with more positive energy within me and around me. I looked up on the internet and casual talk to another friend about why dramas keep follow me, even though I do not go out to look for it. I am not interested in dramas either. I learned something useful. I have learned that there are 3 kinds of people that dramas can happen to them:
Type 1: People who create drama intentionally. This is one of the types which is obvious. My friend and I both agree that I am not this type.
Type 2: People who surround themselves with dramas. For example, you sit around with people who talk bad about other people. Even though you don’t actively participate.
Type 3: People who are more likely to invite drama, unintentionally. For example, if you leave your computer in your car because you are in a rush and forgot to cover it. Of course, someone is going broke your car’s window to steal the computer.
My friend and I are both agreed that I am type 3 which is more likely to invite drama. It does not mean I don’t have any responsibility in it. In fact, I need to take better responsibility.
How do I invite dramas unintentionally? What have I done and what I want to do to avoid them?
I grow up in a town where we just leave our front door open during the day and close it at night. I did not hold a house key until I moved to the U.S when I was 17. So it was pretty new to me having a house key. It was also new to me that I needed to keep the door lock all the time.
I got locked out a lot when lived in the dorm because I did not pick up the new habit. I am so much better now. I always have my house key and lock the door (oh well, I do forget sometimes).
I spent a lot of time look for my headphones. There was a semester, I lost 5 headphones, that is too much. I am doing better now, by forcing myself hard to put it in the same spot.
Culturally different, I say something, people may understand it another way. My jokes do not make sense to people sometimes because my references are different. Those jokes can offend and hurt people. Sometimes, I am more playful, but It can come off as shady to people who do not know me well. I also overreact to people words sometimes. I am gonna be more careful when I meet new people now, I try to not come on too strong. My friend also tells me that to keep an open mind and just be a little more kind to be around a lot of people with different backgrounds. And keep a closed tie with people who come from the same background as you, the ones who know you well, then you can be naughty and savage as you want. I think this category is the hardest part to improve because it is always a learning process to know the balance.
When I get hangry, I can not handle myself. Therefore things can happen. I try to keep myself not reach a ” hangry point” by eat on time and having snacks with me.
I need to do better at not protecting myself too much about my insecurities. A lot of time, showing them is also strength. It is a good way to get over it.
I am glad that I wrote the thoughts in my head out. People can always be there to help me, but in the end, I need to help myself too. And I need to solve my own problems.
I want to move to either Seatle or LA after college. I am still thinking and doing research about those 2 cities. I have been in the Bay Area for so long since 2013. I have grown a lot since then. As much as I love the Bay, I also have enough of it for now. I am just afraid I get too comfortable with the place, and not appreciate it enough, not giving myself more room to grow, to leave a bubble.
As I get older, I am more afraid of loneliness. This loneliness is very different from the loneliness that I felt when I was younger. Now, this loneliness is more like afraid that I lose a chance of getting to know and connect with people on a deeper level and lose a chance to let them get to know me.
Alright, Xing, regardless of what happens, you be good and stay strong, ok?