[Day 668] Better Me

Recently, so many things happen to me.

Berkeley is so stressful.  My personal relationship did not go well; it does not help to blame one or the other.  I got into some conflict with someone I know in a study group; it was so unexpected.  Those drained a lot of my energy.  I find myself lose a lot of focus and start to space out.

I talked to Eric, the only person that I can feel there are a lot of mutual understandings.  Our conversations usually go pretty well.  I got a lot of insights from him.  Talking to him helped me lift off the weight on my shoulder.

But, maybe I did something wrong to people. Therefore instant karma happens to me.  I have lost my phone.  It fell out of my hoody pocket I think.  Some personal health news bothers me; the news makes me feel anxious.

After a series of things happen,  I want to improve myself and my life, to live a life with more positive energy within me and around me.  I looked up on the internet and casual talk to another friend about why dramas keep follow me, even though I do not go out to look for it.  I am not interested in dramas either.  I learned something useful.  I have learned that there are 3 kinds of people that dramas can happen to them:

Type 1: People who create drama intentionally.  This is one of the types which is obvious.  My friend and I both agree that I am not this type.

Type 2:  People who surround themselves with dramas.  For example, you sit around with people who talk bad about other people.  Even though you don’t actively participate.

Type 3:  People who are more likely to invite drama, unintentionally.  For example, if you leave your computer in your car because you are in a rush and forgot to cover it.  Of course, someone is going broke your car’s window to steal the computer.

My friend and I are both agreed that I am type 3 which is more likely to invite drama.  It does not mean I don’t have any responsibility in it.  In fact,  I need to take better responsibility.

How do I invite dramas unintentionally? What have I done and what I want to do to avoid them?

I grow up in a town where we just leave our front door open during the day and close it at night.  I did not hold a house key until I moved to the U.S when I was 17.  So it was pretty new to me having a house key.  It was also new to me that I needed to keep the door lock all the time.

I got locked out a lot when lived in the dorm because I did not pick up the new habit.  I am so much better now.  I always have my house key and lock the door (oh well, I do forget sometimes).

I spent a lot of time look for my headphones.  There was a semester, I lost 5 headphones,  that is too much.  I am doing better now, by forcing myself hard to put it in the same spot.

Culturally different, I say something, people may understand it another way.  My jokes do not make sense to people sometimes because my references are different.  Those jokes can offend and hurt people.  Sometimes, I am more playful, but It can come off as shady to people who do not know me well.  I also overreact to people words sometimes.  I am gonna be more careful when I meet new people now, I try to not come on too strong.  My friend also tells me that to keep an open mind and just be a little more kind to be around a lot of people with different backgrounds.  And keep a closed tie with people who come from the same background as you, the ones who know you well, then you can be naughty and savage as you want.  I think this category is the hardest part to improve because it is always a learning process to know the balance.

When I get hangry, I can not handle myself. Therefore things can happen.  I try to keep myself not reach a ” hangry point” by eat on time and having snacks with me.

I need to do better at not protecting myself too much about my insecurities.  A lot of time, showing them is also strength.  It is a good way to get over it.


 

I am glad that I wrote the thoughts in my head out.  People can always be there to help me, but in the end, I need to help myself too.  And I need to solve my own problems.


 

I want to move to either Seatle or LA after college.  I am still thinking and doing research about those 2 cities.  I have been in the Bay Area for so long since 2013.  I have grown a lot since then.  As much as I love the Bay, I also have enough of it for now.  I am just afraid I get too comfortable with the place, and not appreciate it enough, not giving myself more room to grow, to leave a bubble.


As I get older, I am more afraid of loneliness.  This loneliness is very different from the loneliness that I felt when I was younger.  Now, this loneliness is more like afraid that I lose a chance of getting to know and connect with people on a deeper level and lose a chance to let them get to know me.


Alright, Xing, regardless of what happens, you be good and stay strong, ok?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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