There are a lot of things that I want to jot down.
1: I had been feeling very down. I came to Berkeley to study Computer Science. No, I did not go to because it makes a lot of money, not because everyone is going for it. I love it. I love writing very line of codes and see what they do. I love building big things out of nothing. When I knew that I don’t have GPA to declare. It sucks. I feel suck. No matter how much I comfort myself. No matter how hard I push myself up. I kept lying to myself that “You try your best, your very best”. No, I did not try my best. I was being the very fixed mindset. I tried to run away by thinking about transferring to other schools. I did not reach out for help every way I can. I felt like a loser. Therefore, I paid a price for it, a big price. Let just be honest, not getting what you want sucks! it sucks, regardless how you want to do around it.
2: Every time I introduce myself as a senior, someone youngers always ask me for my advice. Wow, I feel old. And honestly, why would they come to me for advice anyway. There are counselors, there are alumni connection and more where they can seek better advice. I, myself struggle too, what do I know to help them? I just told them that “Oh well, don’t compare yourself with other people. There is always someone younger than you, cuter than you and smarter than you. When you start to compare yourself with others, you lose. Compare yourself to you yesterday”. Ugh, I feel too wise
3: There is a friend of mine that we used to study together. I asked them whether they declare their major. They did not answer. I asked twice. I also see them around campus. I just feel like a fool. Oh well, I don’t want to know anymore. I thought we are friends. Oh well, but not that close I guess. I am a little bit salty, but I am moving on. There are more things, and more people around me deserve my loves and attention.
4: I was worried a lot about my classes, how to get my classes done on time, what should I do, I have not done m GE classes yet. How to get a minor in CS? how to get a job? how to XYZ, how to ABC, how to,…. so many how to. I am a senior already. I need to start crossing things off the list!!!.
5: I just want to share this cool Ted-Ed video:
6: And this:
7: Alright, I jot down all my worries and negative talks about myself, put all my vulnerabilities out there. Yes, I did not declare CS. Yes, I felt like a loser. But do I stop there, No? Am I gonna keep crying on my sorrow and sadness and past mistakes? No. Does it feel good? Absolutely No. It is time to flick of the dust. And I am telling you (that dark side of me, the side that sometimes I dig myself so deep in it, and to the world). I am not giving up. If I have to start at the bottom of the mountain, I will do it. If I have to spend a lifetime to be better at CS and writing in other languages, I will do it!!! And I know that, at some point, I will be haft way to the mountain, and at some other point I will fail back to the bottom of the mountain again. But I also know, If I try hard enough, I will reach the top of the mountain, and another mountain, and more and more mountains!!!
9: F.A.I.L = First Attempt In Learn
8: Writing is my therapy.